The Power of Encouragement
There’s a Catholic sister in East Harlem who teaches high school. She’s been guiding students through the maze of Shakespeare for almost three decades. Her reputation is pretty severe, with a fierce and demanding gaze, not to mention a staggering homework load. Take her class, and be prepared to sweat. But the students adore her. They’d do anything she asks.
The sister works as hard as they do: that’s the first thing they notice. The second is that in her fierce, demanding gaze she embodies the subtle idea of encouragement. She’s investing something in them, and they know it. She makes encouragement have real meaning for these kids: to give courage. She helps them feel just a little more confident, creative, willing to take risks, even if what they’re risking is failure. She’s the opposite of a group leader who overtly or subtly discourages, who somehow sows feelings of confusion and fear instead of creativity and confidence. Without cracking a smile, she conveys to her kids over and over that she’s putting in the time, helping them rise to the occasion and shine, even if they can’t even see their own shine quite yet. The kids grow, fueled by the power of her belief in them.
It reminds me of an old boss of mine. He had his own distinct personality for sure, one that didn’t work for everyone. There was no shortage of fire (the good kind and bad) and I never really knew which type of fire I was walking into from meeting to meeting. What I did know though, everyday, was that he believed in me. He was invested in my growth and wanted me to succeed. Despite the 30-year gap between us in both age and experience, he made me feel worth the (admittedly astronomical) rates the firm billed for my time. He fed me morsels of expert context before client calls, letting me carry the baton and prove myself to the client. I felt his investment, his urging, his injections of confidence, the shot in the arm eradicating that second-guessing that can otherwise run wild.
Never, ever, ever did he let a client see us as anything other than a unified team. No punch-throwing nor credit-stealing. Even if I messed up, he never let go of the “we.”
“What we need to do here is dig in further on this research and we’ll come back to you later this week with more.”
The power of that dynamic was profound. And it was the reason he was the first person I went to when it became clear to me that I didn’t want to pursue a lifetime’s work in corporate law. Like the Catholic sister, I knew he would be proud of me for having the courage to go after what I really wanted. The power of that encouragement, that investment, didn’t just instill confidence, it allowed me to accelerate.
How do you join the ranks of the leaders who encourage? Be confident in your own experience and expertise such that you make space for those underneath you to grow.
Still, the number of people longing for that encouraging boss remains high. People reach out daily with stories of toxic managers or credit-snagging, confidence-sucking bosses. Bad bosses make for bad days more often than anyone would like. And given that there are few things that can make you feel as bad as a bad day at work, it’s time for a change if you’re facing one of those bosses now. Here are some steps you can take:
Commit to yourself that whatever drain that boss has had on your confidence stops today.
Commit to taking one step towards change (and it doesn’t have to mean leaving). An initial step might look like reaching out to a supportive colleague, identifying an opportunity on a different team, reaching out to HR, or potentially even communicating your concerns with your boss.
Find an objective source of support outside of your office. A friend who knows you but not all the personalities and inner workings of your office. A coach who can help you disentangle the situation so you can find a way forward. A mentor who has consistently shown that investment. (Shout-out to Michael Melcher who has done just that for me, and we recently talked about it on his podcast!
If you’re interested in learning more about coaching, feel free to schedule a free initial consultation.
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